the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
