it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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