Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize