Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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