I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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