There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
