I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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