I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
