There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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