If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
