I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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