I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
