covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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