pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
