When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
