I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
