member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
