I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize