New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
