im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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