Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
