Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize