i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
