the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize