I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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