She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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