Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
God, I missed his penis.
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