I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
