I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
