Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
