He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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