the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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