next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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