I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
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