Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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