My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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