I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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