U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
