to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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