I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What a dumb baby whore.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize