chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
