mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
