Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
