Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
