So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When did angry sex become our thing?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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