After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
