The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
