oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
