we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
