when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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