there's paper in my vomit.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize