I think my vagina is haunted
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
