I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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