My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
