Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
