I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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