everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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