I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
