dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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