I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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